Are you at the end of your rope?

"I can't wait to reverse SSH this onto YouTube!"

Then take a gander at this one!

Enjoy The Rope in pristine 1080p HDMI-infused flux box kernel glory! Torrent the .pdf around the multi-threaded firewall by reverse hash encrypting the protocol using Django scripts.

Or just click the cover image.

For the first time ever, The Rope is available on computer/iPad/fruit/Android/iPod/x86/Apple IIe/Commodore64/Atari/SNES. So there's no excuse to not downplode this onto your clouds.

Whatever you do after that though, do not attempt to read it.

Seriously.

Guys. Seriously.

Baylor Student Drinks Orange Juice After Brushing Teeth

New Level of Hell Discovered

Archived photo of L. Jenkins Tampico, the first unfortunate soul to experience this unbearable phenomenon.

On a seemingly normal Wednesday morning in his rather large Bandera Ranch apartment, junior Ryan LaMont significantly worsened his day after foolishly sipping on a fresh glass full of orange juice merely minutes after brushing his teeth.

“This has been a rough time for us all,” roommate Chad Williams told our reporter. “I’m actually pretty offended that you’re even in our apartment right now. Show some damn couth,” he added.

According to his morning routine, Ryan normally has a small breakfast at approximately 8:25 A.M. Central Standard Time, then drives to campus about twenty minutes later to make his 9:05 A.M. psychology class. However, young Ryan surprisingly arose at approximately 8:30 A.M. this past Wednesday, resulting in a rushed morning indeed.

He hurriedly put on some shorts and his latest crush t-shirt, brushed his teeth thoroughly, then remembered that he had not, in fact, had any nourishment whatsoever before his trying day of school, which some sources report included an economics exam at 12:20 P.M. His intense studying for said exam the previous night could have been the cause of his lateness; however, roommate Chad Williams angrily described this startling rumor as “ludicrous.”

The exact moment the orange juice concentrate graced his lips, Ryan recognized his blunder. The audacious clashing of minty aftertaste of Colgate Total with citrus splash of Tropicana resulted in a cantankerous grimace on his face, along with a raucous groan of discomfort. His roommates rushed over to the scene to find a distraught LaMont, standing alone in the kitchen. He awkwardly described what happened, grabbed his backpack, and walked out the door.

Ryan has declined all interviews and questions regarding the incident. His Facebook page and Twitter account have been filled with condolences and comments from not only his friends, but other supporters who sympathize with him. Baylor students are quickly raising awareness of the incident and how it can be prevented in the future.

Also, Baylor scientists are in the initial phases of researching why LaMont, and all others unfortunate enough to experience this phenomenon, expresses such disdain for the feeling. Roommate Chad Williams, once again, put in his two cents.

“I’m tired of all of this attention. You think it’s easy being me? It’s not,” he told our reporter. “Leave us alone. You guys aren’t even funny.”

Baylor Releases Stadium Models

Forgets Football Field

Administration unveiled new 3D models for a new football stadium a few months ago to resounding, community-wide approval. But despite the enormous fan shops, non-alcoholic beer stands, water slides, and rich-conservative-alumni-donation centers, both models appear to be missing a crucial component: the football field itself.

“I just want to thank the Baylor nation for all the support we’ve had. We think we’ve really come up with a great building here that will facilitate the kind of Christian community that represents the Baylor Line,” said a surprisingly calm President Starr. “It will also generate the kind of revenue any cool stadium with ridiculously-priced but well-marketed and strategically-placed concession stands should. And did I mention there are water slides?”

“The field takes care of itself. I’ll just put in a huge advertisement with all of the donation information to Baylor. And RGIII is coming back, right? It’ll be great.”

The architect who provided the models claims he was told to “draw something twice as expensive looking as the BSB, and to make it really, really, really cool.” When he inquired as to the estimated cost range he was to work within, the reply was stunning.

“We don’t actually have to build this thing, we just have to get really rich people to donate to it,” Provost Elizabeth Davis said. President Starr’s onslaught of donation requests to alumni, especially those firmly planted in the conservative, Baptist tradition seems to be the motivating force behind the plan. However, not everyone in the community is as excited about the plans. Baylor Marina employee Dan Rhycroft has been especially vocal.

“How are people supposed to enjoy their Saturday afternoon kayak when the beauty of Nature will be disturbed by this giant monument to materialism? Thoreau is turning in his grave right now,” he said. Even though local scientists have found that the Mighty Brazos is pointless and mainly smells like dead fish and poor people, it is not worth destroying in pursuit of expensive stadiums.

As more information flows in about new football stadium follies, stay updated with the NoZe.

Tenured Professor Marc Ellis Fired

up about March Madness

"Oh, I see what you guys did there!"

Dr. Marc Ellis, a recently terminated, tenured professor of history at Baylor, and former director of the Center for Jewish Studies, has officially announced that he has been fired up about the men’s and women’s basketball teams. He is specifically fired up about both teams’ chances in their respective NCAA tournaments this month.

However, most of the news surrounding Ellis has centered on his current clash with Baylor Unifarcity administrators, including Most Holy President Kenny Starr. Dr. Ellis’ recent, mysterious ousting from his job has caused quite a stir. According to an article published on religiousdispatches.org, “several faculty members with firsthand knowledge of the proceedings confirm that Ellis is being investigated for alleged sexual misconduct (or misuses of God’s gift, as the faculty handbook has it).” Ellis’ lawyer has defined these as “bogus allegations,” and many prominent scholars have suggested that said allegations from Baylor relate to Ellis’ Jewish faith and his rather liberal views of Israeli policy. A number of scholars defending Ellis have generated a petition on change.org, claiming that the entire situation “looks more and more like a persecution to silence a Jewish voice of dissent.”

The news of his excitement regarding the basketball teams has diverted much attention from the issue regarding his employment at Baylor. Both teams have had successful seasons thus far, and this public endorsement from Ellis will only motivate them more.

“I think it’s awesome that Marc Ellis has been fired up about us for awhile now,” said point guard Pierre Jackson, in an exclusive interview with the Noble NoZe Brotherhood. Brittany Griner agreed, chiming in that his “being fired up for apparently no reason has been a pleasant surprise. I’m surprised a story of this magnitude hasn’t been made more well-known around campus.” Baylor administrators were unavailable for comment on the issue.

Dr. Ellis arrived at Baylor in 1998, so it is truly no wonder that he is so fired up about the basketball programs. Throughout those fourteen years, the men’s team in particular, has struggled mightily, dealing with touchy issues such as corrupt coaches, a brutal murder, and NCAA violations coming out the wazoo. These were rough times indeed, but every university president throughout the years was protective of the program and virtuously defended it when necessary.

Now that both teams have lofty goals of Final Four appearances this March, President Kenny Starr has placed much of his focus on athletics and less of it on support of tenured professors. Past leaders have been more accepting of Ellis’ methods and creative
ideals, but Kenny has been so focused on the year-long mourning process of RGIII’s departure that he hasn’t had any time to think about any professor, including Dr. Ellis. Anyway, some students have been making their totally not-pointless opinions known as well through the Tweeter and the Facebooks.

“Ellis fired up about bball?!?!?! Me too!!! #BaylorProud #ILoveBrady,” freshman Ashley McDougal tweeted last week. She is extremely excited about the prospects of the teams in the NCAA tournament as well, provided she is able to contain her excitement in
her South Russell 316 dorm room. One particular Facebook status posted by Student Body President Zach Rogers resonated even louder than the sound of a half-hearted Sic ‘Em at the Ferrell Center.

“Dr. Ellis is fired up, and I, for one, am shocked. He has a very loud voice within the community, as well as great knowledge of the game. He will be a great fan, as long as he’s fired up,” Rogers posted. He has thousands (maybe even millions) of Facebook friends, so
pretty much everybody has read this absolutely vital piece of information.

As a result, Ellis’ firing up about Baylor basketball has truly rocked the Baylor community. While we all hope for a fair and suitable ending to the situation (national championships for both teams), we also hope that administration will show fairness and integrity to the teams by providing them with the proper resources, such as uniforms and Scott Drew’s motivational Bible verses.

This is not a Rope…

Ceci n'est pas une couverture corde

...it is an electronic representation of a physical tabloid paper whose name is a spoof of a certain university's school newspaper.

But you can call it a Rope if you'd like. Or, an award winning Rope (everyone loves awards). By hovering your cursor/finger over the tantalizing image to the right, you can access the deep recesses of the mentally disturbed NoZe Brotherhood with a single click, scroll, read.

If you're interested in venturing under the tunnels and joining the NoZe Brethren on our crusade through time, then be sure to peruse the UnRush/Paper Pickup announcement on the last page.

Finally, if you come up with any creative uses for the physical copies of the paper (which, also, is not a rope) other than lining the birdcages of the NoZe Mansion and wrapping presents, please leave a comment below, preferably in French.

RGIII Chooses NFL Career to Pay Off Student Debt

Quarterback Robert Griffin III, also known as Bro. HeismaNoZe Trophy, has officially decided to forgo his final year of eligibility and enter the NFL Draft. He has cited his reasoning as having to pay off student loans, as he is in debt up to his magical head from tuition.

"I wish you didn't have to leave, Robert"

Despite graduating with his bachelor’s degree earlier than expected, RGIII is still dreadfully lacking money in his bank account. Baylor tuition has increased over the past few years, and not even our Heisman-winning quarterback is in the clear.

“Honestly, I would’ve loved to have come back for my last year. I love Baylor, just not the tuition,” he told our reporter. Studies show that in order to pay Baylor its full tuition, he will have to pursue an NFL career lasting at least ten years, complete with five MVP awards and seven Super Bowl victories. He will need endorsements from Nike, Gatorade, and most importantly, Bud Light Lime, to cover his college expenses alone.

Since his time at Baylor, RGIII has eaten only Ramen and Frosted Flakes in order to save money. Somehow, he has been able to remain in peak physical condition. He has lived at Casa Royale for a few years, all while keeping a glimmering GPA.

Plano junior Ashley Yuppers, president of Pi Phi, made her opinion quite known on the issue. “This is ridiculous,” she said after taking another bite of caviar and drinking Jamaican coffee. “My daddykins pays for everything. I mean, my Bandera Ranch apartment and pink Ferrari won’t pay for themselves. I need to go study for my fashion design class.”

In fact, Robert Griffin III makes most people look quite bad. Thanks.

UnRush/Paper Pickup

Hello, infidels! We'd like to give you some information. There's this thing called UnRush. Pretend to look interested so I can stop typing!

Three NoZe Brothers contemplate life as we know it.

UnRush:

January 26th, 8:44 Pure Monotony, at 7th and James Barely Baptist Church. Bring a towel.

Paper Pickup:

If you want to become a NoZe Brother, you must submit one of the following: a satirical article of 10,420 words or less (preferably much, much less), artistic renderings of high quality with satirical and humorous significance, or an interactive NoZe Brotherhood based iPhone game (for the computer scientists, we'll accept Android games as well). No teats, piddle and caca in your submissions. Submissions will be picked up January 29th, 4:06 Prententious Marriages, at Burleson Statue.

Baylor Disregards ‘Homosexuality’ Course

Name Change to 'Family Studies' Offends Many

It was a beautiful time at our beloved Baylor University. The squirrels were rabid, Chapel was kickin’, and “Homosexuality as a Gateway Drug” was an independent study course being offered in the Sociology Department. All was well.

Martha Sherman, the instructor of the brilliantly-named course, thought of the idea while pondering God’s plan during worship at Antioch Community Training Grounds one Sunday. The song “I Can Only Imagine (A World Without Gays)” was being sung in full force. She felt a strong feeling upon her, one of intense Baptist catma. She realized what she had to do. All it took was one simple course title to get the recognition she deserved. Thy Will Be Done, infidels.

Naturally, when Sherman formally suggested the course to the Baylor administration, it was approved without question. The Baptist-Integrated Academic Squad (BIAS) even deemed it “the greatest course ever offered in the history of forever.” Because of its “independent-study” status, only one student would be eligible to register for it. However, that was no such deterrent to many a student eager to learn about the damning effects of being a homosexual.

Then, disaster struck. In a stunning, entirely non-Christian manner, the course name was brutally changed to the overtly offensive “Family Studies.” Everyone around the country, whether Baylor-associated or not, finds the new course name completely unnecessary and filled with obvious ideological objectives. Faculty and students have even taken to the streets in protest of this ludicrous change. Henry McFluffypants of Phi Chi was especially vocal during an Anti-Family Studies Rally last week.

“'Family Studies' is extremely insulting to me and my beliefs. I don’t exactly know what it means because it’s so vague, but I don’t think it’s something God would like. He is an accepting God, and anything involving ‘studying families’ is just plain prejudiced.”

This travesty has especially resonated with the Baptist General Convention of Texas, who recently cut 51% of funding for Baylor. This absent-minded name-change has caused the Convention to seriously consider cutting even more money. Also, legitimate journalistic sources, such as The Huffington Post and Gawker Media sites, have ridiculed Baylor (for good reason) because of the obviously blasphemous course name.

The university’s stray from conventional, long-established Baptist beliefs is very unfortunate publicity indeed, especially since Baylor is notorious for the rejection of any homosexuality-friendly, on-campus discussion groups.

Since the change, desires to contribute to the study have heavily decreased. Ms. Sherman cannot find one student interested in “Family Studies,” indubitably due to its controversial name. No information has been released on whether the course will be cancelled or changed once again. The only fact anyone can take from this is that Baylor has severely overstepped its boundaries in regard to bringing ideological belief   into the classroom.

High Expectations

Baylor@MCC Program Might Go Green

Baylor president Kenneth Starr signed an agreement with McLennan Community College president Dr. Johnette McKown last month for a trial implementation of a joint Baylor/MCC program for students named Baylor@MCC, which was apparently inspired by an email address. The program will allow a select few students to co-enroll in both Baylor and MCC, allowing them to enjoy all the benefits of a only-slightly-tarnished Baylor degree without paying exorbitant tuition prices; no one knows yet how these lucky students will be chosen, but rumors have been circulating that Baylor will inform the lucky 50 students via golden tickets hidden in the 2012-2013 parking decals.

Kenny Starr seemed particularly pleased about the announcement of the new program, which he claims to have crafted by himself in his spare time.

“If I may say so myself, Baylor@MCC is a pure stroke of innovation,” Starr commented. “Next thing you know, those fake army duds in Bryan/College Station will announce some similar program, perhaps name it Blinn Community College Transfer Enrollment at A&M (T.E.A.M., what a horrible acronym), and steal some of that good ol’ Baylor originality.”

Apparently someone forgot to tell Starr that it wasn’t 2001 anymore. Regardless, Kenny wasn’t the only person excited about this new collaboration.

“I’m totally stoked about this joint program!” exclaimed Plano sophomore Herb McGanjabong, who was sporting a drug rug that was last washed when his dreadlocks were. “To be blunt, ever since I failed my ART2340 class for sculpting a pipe, Baylor’s been a total groove harsher. To say the least, I have really high expectations (if you know what I mean... (and I think you do)).”

Others are more realistic about the nature of this program.

“The Baylor Board of Regents voted again this year to increase tuition 6.5% for the third year in a row, and student fees have increased 6.53% for next year, when they just raised them 4.98% last year,” ranted some random guy with an opinion.

“One year in the Baylor@MCC program would save me $19,782. Sounds great! I’ll just go to Sign Up Town and sign up on a spiffy spaffy sign up sheet! Oh wait, I can’t.”

While the joint program initially sounded like a throwback to Baylor’s historic policy of offering quality education at an affordable price to Texans, it seems that only certain students who were ‘accepted’ into Baylor but ‘wait listed’ due to ‘space constraints’ will be given the choice to opt-in to Baylor@MCC. The precise meaning of those quotation marks is still being determined.

Church Cancelled!

Drunk Senior Still Manages to Sleep Through

God, also known as “The Big Cheese”, “The Maestro of Holy”, or simply, “Fred,” has officially cancelled all church services, Masses, and garden parties this upcoming Sunday.

“I’m just getting tired of this hypocrisy,” God told our reporter in an exclusive interview. He sipped his red wine and stroked his beard with a specific air of dignity.

“Long ago, Sunday was my day off. But these days, Sundays are the only day of the week I ever hear from anyone. I just wish my job was a little more spread out. It’s even more annoying than when those Antioch people pretend to have seizures for me. I need a day off.”

Subscribers of Islam, Judaism, and other faiths are especially thankful that God has spared them from this rather unusual form of wrath. The Baylor community seems to be especially suffering from said wrath.

Grapes Johnson of Phi Chi has gone on record saying that he is “super duper bummed” and will pray anyway. God has not commented on the controversial statement, but unofficial sources report that Grapes will have a rough week awaiting him.

This move especially does not help the status of Universal Baptist Church, which has been suffering as of late. Ever since David Crowder left UBC and took off to Atlanta, no one has been around to pay the bills and meet the weekly charity-quota. Since the greenbacks haven’t been flowing in, attendance has rapidly declined, and the worship performances have been less “rad.” Most parishoners of the church have written desperate e-mails to Crowder urging him to return to his home church in Waco. However, the newly-divorced Christian musician has been leading a new life characterized by much “free will.” This turn of events has also been cited as a sub-reason for God cancelling church this Sunday.

Avoiding God’s cynical demeanor is pretty difficult, so stay alert as to the crazy antics he’ll bring about next.