Did you know that the Noble NoZe Brotherhood consists entirely of Film & Digital Media majors? Have you ever heard of a rhetorical question? What’s a working definition of satire? To answer questions like these you must first know that the entire NoZe Mansion is filled with VHS tapes of VeggieTales, X-rated content, Bibleman and wonderful combinations of all three. While it is hard to top our collection of masterpieces, we will sometimes lower our standards--venturing out into the world and see lesser films. With such knowledge of low culture, we compiled a list of predicted winners of the 85th annual Academy Awards. You won’t even have to go to that one friend who has cable to be in the loop if you read these babies. ‘Cause, hey, that friend sucks anyways and so does everything after the red carpet procession! And the Oscar goes to...
Best Use of Subtitles: Django Unchained
Surprisingly, this award will not go to Amour--a French film exemplifying the eloquence of foreign culture and tonguing. We foresee the Oscar going to the American film, Django Unchained. The film had about four sentences in German, but dammit those subtitles were brilliant.
Best Pandering to the U.S. State Department (presented by the U.S. State Department): Argo
When asked for comment on the film, U.S. Ambassador David Hale remarked, “We just really want to give a shout-out to Affleck and his crew. This country really needs to keep up the fear of the Middle East, and what better way to do that than to remind everyone that when unstable Middle Eastern governments exist, innocent Americans will always get captured, and the U.S. (no, not fuckin’ Canada) will always save the day. “
Best Font: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey didn’t get very original when it came to fonts. In fact, we’re 95.4% sure that they recycled the same font used in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. However, it was “kind of a classic,” so the voters decided to give the film one precious, pity award.
Best Use of Computer-Generated Imagery: Amour
Many thought that this award would be gifted to Life of Pi because of the CGI done to create many of the film’s animals--most notably the tiger. However, many more thought that Amour’s Jean-Louis Trintignant was a living person when he was actually “one of the most astounding works of CGI to date.” Trintignant’s creators have been acclaimed for the wrinkles and traces of melanoma that can be found on the computer generated character’s skin.
Best Picture: Zero Dark Thirty and Django Unchained
This one is a tie. On one hand, we really love America and the whole killing terrorists thing in Zero Dark Thirty, but on the other hand we really like the cheerful, family-friendly messages found in Django Unchained. For us, the Oscar gets cut down the middle: each side gets a half, just like what the Navy SEALs did with Osama Bin Laden in the movie.
Best Actor in a Lead Role: Jared Gilman in the Moonrise Kingdom trailer
It will come to no surprise that the winner of this category is none other than Jared Gilman in the trailer of Moonrise Kingdom. Sure the kid did some acting things and said some acting things during full-length the movie, but his simultaneous portrayal of a star-crossed lover and complete little asshole in 30 seconds was worth the zero dollars we paid to see it. Only one Steel Reserve was chugged during this trailer to get through it compared to Lincoln’s three fifths of Jack trailer. Satchel on!
Best Animated Feature Film: Wreck-It Ralph
Wreck-It Ralph wins this category, hands down. What’s better than watching a movie about a guy that is lonely and misunderstood, who ends up seeking revenge on the society that ostracized and hated him? Plus, the main character makes Sarah Silverman cry by breaking her candy car. And really, what’s better than seeing a staunch feminist play the part of a glitch in a system? Nothing, that’s what.
Best Documentary Feature: Lincoln
Who knew that they had cameras back then? Wait, why didn’t the cameramen save him from getting shot!? Conspiracy!
Best Foreign Language Film: N/A
Since none of us speak anything but American, we turned to Brother Pompous ‘I Speak French’ NoZe to make this prediction. Sadly, all he could do was mumble something about surrendering and baguettes, so we’ll chalk this category up to everyone losing. ‘Murica.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: The Hobbit
The cast in this film guys grew beards for years to prepare for this movie, and that forest wizard had to wear a ton of bird poop. This movie clearly takes the cake in this category.
Best Adaptation of a Board Game: Everyone sucks...
Even Battleship, the only possible winner for this category, loses. This movie was so bad that even Liam Neeson couldn’t save it from capsizing. Though, to be fair, Rihanna is used to taking a few hits for her career.