Romney Considers Election “Win-Win Situation” – “If I Win I’m President, If I Lose I’m Still Rich”

In his final campaign stop, Republican nominee Mitt Romney shockingly announced that even if he loses the presidential election, he will still be happy because his immense wealth will keep up his and his family’s morale.

The presidential candidate made the announcement in an apparent change-of-heart while explaining his five-point economic plan during a speech in Wisconsin, an important battleground state for Romney and President Obama.

“You know what,” Romney said with a chuckle. “This whole thing is crazy. If I win, I’m President of the entire damn United States. Pretty good deal if you ask me. But if I lose, well, I’m still richer than everybody else. I won’t have much to be upset about.”

He then lit a cigarette and quietly laughed while shaking his head. All attending the event fell silent as their presidential candidate of choice continued his public, soul-searching breakdown.

“I’ve wanted the presidency for almost eight years. Eight long years,” he said with a sign. “Eight years of campaigning, speeches, all that shit. And I didn’t even realize how good I got it.”

Romney began to list some of the luxuries he plans to indulge in, further assuring himself of the validity of his newfound revelation.

“Helicopters, caviar, backstage passes for Jason Aldean, you name it. I can buy all of it. Hell, I’ve been looking at a gold-encrusted Chardonnay fountain, complete with an incredible insurance plan. Zero gravity air hockey table? Mine. State-of-the-art sailing equipment? Got it. Carbon fiber toilets in every room? Affordable.” 


I love gold!

This portion of the unplanned catharsis upset some members of the crowd. Even the wealthiest business owners and Super PAC contributors segway-ed to their convertibles and angrily left the event.

“Where ya goin?,” Romney drunkenly called to them, now drinking his second martini. “I don’t care what you do, I’m still worth a trillion bucks! I could donate half my dough to the feds and our debt crisis would end!”

However, he did not totally abandon his desire for the presidency. After a brief coughing fit, the rant continued.

“Don’t get me wrong now, I still want this. I want this so damn bad. I don’t like the direction this ship called America is going. We’re headed for even rougher waters, and I’m ready to lead y’alls asses. Really.”

“But I’m also just saying, I’ve got the financial power to be alright. Actually, much more than alright. I guess I’m just blessed to be in this situation. Willard Mitt Romney is a blessed, humble man, and you can take that to the bank.”

The event ended when Romney stepped off the stage, kissed his wife Ann hard and long on the lips and then yelled “Peace” at the top of his lungs. Political strategists have not yet analyzed how this will affect the outcome of the impending election, but most people think this could lose Mitt Romney at least a vote or two.