The tragic loss of Robert Griffin III and Brittany Griner’s switch from basketball to longboarding has left Baylor University in a state of complete disarray. Just when things possibly couldn’t get any worse, an even bigger blow was delivered to the After-Church Picnic that is Waco, Texas: Our beloved mascots, Joy and Lady, are officially romantically involved. While shocking to the conservative student groups on campus, some see this as completely natural and were merely wondering when it would finally happen.
“It’s always been a very Ross and Rachel relationship between the two. I mean I’ve been watching them for years biting my nails from all the will they won’t they tension,” said Jenny Yates, senior, Kappa, bitch.
The two have been living with one another for their entire lives, so scientifically speaking, some canoodling was bound to start. Our sources say that the bears’ true feelings finally came unpinned at the closing of last semester’s Dia del Oso festivities. Being the party animals that they are, it is widely believed that the two drained a few six-packs each to enjoy the celebration. Sources report that after a long day of drinking, porning, and women’s tug, Lady made the first move. Without getting too graphic, we shall refer to all intimate relations between the two as ‘Winnie the Poohing’. With alcohol taking over the two bears, they finally revealed their true feelings, and a long and rigorous night of ‘Winnie the Poohing’ ensued.
According to sources, the relationship remained secret for the rest of the semester and into the summer. While the two bears have neither confirmed nor denied the damning rumors, many report seeing large women hugging and holding hands near the ADPi house. The truth finally emerged this semester as the two had their first argument of their relationship.
During move-in day, the two began arguing over why Lady had not updated her Facebook status to “In a Relationship,” like Joy had done a whole four weeks ago. After a few groans, grunts, and sniffles, the two finally went public by updating their statuses. The Facebook community rang with stunned splendor as many Baylor students read on their newsfeeds: “Joy Reynolds is in a relationship with Sue ‘Lady’ Sloan.”
With official titles set, there was no denying that the two were together forever. Being reasonable with their beliefs and values, Baylor administration immediately began taking action to handle the situation. As it is written in the Holy Word of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, homosexuality is a disease that, while fatal, can be cured. Following this biblical fact, Chamber’s first line of defense has been to feed the two bears only Chick-Fil-A nuggets since the scandal went public.
“The only way to cure and heal them of this infliction is to pump them full of deep fried poultry. If anything can save them it’s an eight piece nugget meal with honey mustard since gays love honey dijon. I think, that’s like, their thing,” declared one bi-curious Chamber member.
Appalled at the audacity of the University’s crusade to break up the two, the Noble NoZe has decided to get an exclusive interview with Lady and Joy to see how they’re taking to the new diet and negative feelings towards the new lifestyle of the two. Upon beginning the interview we were immediately torn apart... by the sadness we saw in Lady’s eyes as she began to show her softer side and recall the horrible things people were saying about her newfound love. The most shocking was a single, tear filled sentence uttered by Lady as she denoted the hate mail they were receiving. “Roarrrr!!!!!!!!!!! RROOOOOAARRRR!!!!!!!!!! ROAR! Roar roar.”
After hearing that, we don’t understand how anyone could not support the love shared between the two. We at the Noble NoZe see Lady and Joy for what they truly are: two, smelly, overweight, poop machines that are deeply in love.