Alcohol Found on Campus

BUPD Raids Kenny's House

Since its doors were opened in 1845, Baylor University has prided itself on standards deeply rooted in the Baptist tradition. This includes stances against drinking alcohol, dancing, and having an open mind on any issue of importance. However, in a stunning and tragic discovery, the campus police recently found bottles upon bottles of various alcoholic beverages hidden within the unlikeliest of places: the residence of Most Holy President Kenneth Starr; the long-standing Albritton House, within Fort Faculty on Guittard Avenue.

"I can assure you that I'm very happy in my new house at Carroll Science"

Baylor’s Finest were notified of the suspicion last week when some nosy neighbors around the area (Baylor administrators and professors) voiced concern after consistently noticing Starr holding a glass of wine every morning as he walked outside to get the morning paper. After Provost Elizabeth Davis finally saw it, she initially inquired on the issue by e-mailing the only administrator with enough authority to take action: herself. After a series of e-mails, phone calls, and tweets between Davis and herself, BUPD was finally notified. On the morning of April 19th, as Kenny performed his daily, alcohol-based ritual, Chief of Police Jim Doak immediately charged at the president, tackled him on the lawn, and cuffed him. Kenny’s only audible statement during the tussle was, “Hey, there’s a beverage here, man!”

When the cops unnecessarily and dramatically kicked the door down to enter his home, they were truly shocked by what they found. Two cases of Heineken were sitting in a refrigerator, as if it was no big deal. Multiple bottles of various alcohols were also lying around, including Hot Damn cinnamon whiskey. He also had an extensive wine collection in a separate room. Most sources report that this sinful amount of alcohol does not even compare to the average amount at an official NoZe party at the Mansion.

When taken in for questioning at the station, Starr used the usual, likely tactics. He first claimed that none of the alcohol belonged to him, but instead, to his wife, Alice. After this failure, he then said that he did not realize that his residence was considered “on campus.” Doak believed none of Starr’s nonsense and demanded a confession. It finally came upon threat of waterboarding and forcing him to pray a Catholic rosary.

“Okay, I’m guilty,” Kenny admitted. “It’s mine, all mine! Even the Cosmos! But please, go easy on me. Come on guys, it’s Dia.” This argument is oftentimes used by drunken frat bros, along with their counterpart sorostitutes. It almost always falls flat, but not as flat as the Keystone stashed under their mattresses. A pensive Doak only responded as he usually does on Dia: with an annoyed eye roll and inaudible mutterings. The source of these mutterings is a rather enflamed larynx, presumably from yelling at kittens so much while smoking assorted flavors of swishers.

After passing a couple of days in the local slammer, Kenny was released after posting a sufficient bail of all that was in his pocket: four paper clips, seven pieces of Juicy Fruit, a PocketBible (“Is that a Bible in your pocket, or do I just love God?; officially endorsed by Chapel Ryan), one of Robert Griffin III’s dreadlocks, and five thousand dollars in cash. Naturally, Doak was mainly interested in the PocketBible.

This incident has truly been a learning experience for the entire Baylor community. Rumor has it that Starr’s chief of staff, Karla Leeper, is now actively battling her alcoholism, and resident Chamberpot Marky Tooberslugger has commenced his Dr. Pepper-based rehabilitation program because of an incident in which he willfully drank a Coke while on campus. Both of these subjects have truly brought shame to Baylor Nation, but the Noble NoZe Brotherhood will keep a sharp eye on them. Meanwhile, President Starr and his family have been living on the ground level of Carroll Science while Albritton House remains a crime scene. Though the air conditioner is oftentimes on the fritz, the first family has recently become much more familiar with the eclectic works of Albert Camus.

“I’ve learned from this. My ways are truly changed,” Kenny said. He then proceeded to Le Scruffy du Murphy’s to meet Karla Leeper for Happy Hour..