Baylor Tuition “Rises Up”
“Brazos Clarifying Plan” Totally Necessary
As we all know, Baylor has announced its plans to begin construction on “Baylor Stadium,” along with accurate artistic interpretations of how the stadium and the surrounding area will look. While the actual design of the stadium and its “less than Floyd Casey” seat capacity went over well with the Baylor community, many have voiced concern about the strange river with blue water right where the Brazos River should be. Mass confusion has ensued, to say the least.
The sparkling blue waters of the Brazos river
“It just doesn’t look right,” stated Charlie Newman, a Baylor alumnus. “Look at the actual Brazos now. It doesn’t even look fit for baptizing. Baptists love baptizing.” He continued on to question why Baylor is trying to lie to outsiders about a crystal-clear river adjacent to campus. “Why is Baylor trying to make it look like Destin? Even Chi-O should be calling them out.”
After realizing their mistake, Baylor administrators began consulting the world’s top scientists from around the globe. However, all ideas fell short until some random guy with an opinion asked the damning question: “Why don’t you just dye the river?”
After another week of twiddling their thumbs, Baylor administration finally came up with the “Brazos Clarification Plan.” President Starr and other people who think very highly of themselves recently hosted a press conference to explain their strategy.
“The Brazos Clarification Plan consists of a three part process,” Starr announced. “The first step is to raise tuition again. Secondly, we’ll dump tons upon tons of blue dye upstream of the Mighty Brazos from the stadium every week. Finally, RGIII will see how great the stadium is and come back to me, I mean, Baylor, with open arms. I heard that he’s going to the NFL, but it doesn’t sound too official. I’ll be registering him for classes next semester.”
The plan was met with much controversy, not only from people who know facts, but also from the science community.
“The chemicals in the dye are incredibly toxic and will prove dangerous to anything that it touches,” stated Robert Fergus of the US Environmental Protection Agency, “but if Baylor wants to continue with this plan, so be it. It wouldn’t be the first time they screwed up.”
However, some locals are saying that the toxins will actually be an improvement to the Brazos. The water is already terrible, so any form of substance would make the water at least a little better. As of now, Baylor still plans on proceeding with the Brazos Clarification as planned. The amount of tuition increase has not been released, but most sources report that it will probably be “totally worth it.”