Best Use of Subtitles: Django Unchained
Surprisingly, this award will not go to Amour--a French film exemplifying the eloquence of foreign culture and tonguing. We foresee the Oscar going to the American film, Django Unchained. The film had about four sentences in German, but dammit those subtitles were brilliant.

Best Pandering to the U.S. State Department (presented by the U.S. State Department): Argo

When asked for comment on the film, U.S. Ambassador David Hale remarked, “We just really want to give a shout-out to Affleck and his crew. This country really needs to keep up the fear of the Middle East, and what better way to do that than to remind everyone that when unstable Middle Eastern governments exist, innocent Americans will always get captured, and the U.S. (no, not fuckin’ Canada) will always save the day. “

Best Font: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey didn’t get very original when it came to fonts. In fact, we’re 95.4% sure that they recycled the same font used in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. However, it was “kind of a classic,” so the voters decided to give the film one precious, pity award.

Best Use of Computer-Generated Imagery: Amour
Many thought that this award would be gifted to Life of Pi because of the CGI done to create many of the film’s animals--most notably the tiger. However, many more thought that Amour’s Jean-Louis Trintignant was a living person when he was actually “one of the most astounding works of CGI to date.”  Trintignant’s creators have been acclaimed for the wrinkles and traces of melanoma that can be found on the computer generated character’s skin.

Best Picture: Zero Dark Thirty and Django Unchained
This one is a tie. On one hand, we really love America and the whole killing terrorists thing in Zero Dark Thirty, but on the other hand we really like the cheerful, family-friendly messages found in Django Unchained. For us, the Oscar gets cut down the middle: each side gets a half, just like what the Navy SEALs did with Osama Bin Laden in the movie.

Best Actor in a Lead Role: Jared Gilman in the Moonrise Kingdom trailer
It will come to no surprise that the winner of this category is none other than Jared Gilman in the trailer of Moonrise Kingdom. Sure the kid did some acting things and said some acting things during full-length the movie, but his simultaneous portrayal of a star-crossed lover and complete little asshole in 30 seconds was worth the zero dollars we paid to see it. Only one Steel Reserve was chugged during this trailer to get through it compared to Lincoln’s three fifths of Jack trailer. Satchel on!

The presidential candidate made the announcement in an apparent change-of-heart while explaining his five-point economic plan during a speech in Wisconsin, an important battleground state for Romney and President Obama.

“You know what,” Romney said with a chuckle. “This whole thing is crazy. If I win, I’m President of the entire damn United States. Pretty good deal if you ask me. But if I lose, well, I’m still richer than everybody else. I won’t have much to be upset about.”

He then lit a cigarette and quietly laughed while shaking his head. All attending the event fell silent as their presidential candidate of choice continued his public, soul-searching breakdown.

“I’ve wanted the presidency for almost eight years. Eight long years,” he said with a sign. “Eight years of campaigning, speeches, all that shit. And I didn’t even realize how good I got it.”

Romney began to list some of the luxuries he plans to indulge in, further assuring himself of the validity of his newfound revelation.

“Helicopters, caviar, backstage passes for Jason Aldean, you name it. I can buy all of it. Hell, I’ve been looking at a gold-encrusted Chardonnay fountain, complete with an incredible insurance plan. Zero gravity air hockey table? Mine. State-of-the-art sailing equipment? Got it. Carbon fiber toilets in every room? Affordable.” 


I love gold!

This portion of the unplanned catharsis upset some members of the crowd. Even the wealthiest business owners and Super PAC contributors segway-ed to their convertibles and angrily left the event.

“Where ya goin?,” Romney drunkenly called to them, now drinking his second martini. “I don’t care what you do, I’m still worth a trillion bucks! I could donate half my dough to the feds and our debt crisis would end!”

However, he did not totally abandon his desire for the presidency. After a brief coughing fit, the rant continued.

“Don’t get me wrong now, I still want this. I want this so damn bad. I don’t like the direction this ship called America is going. We’re headed for even rougher waters, and I’m ready to lead y’alls asses. Really.”

“But I’m also just saying, I’ve got the financial power to be alright. Actually, much more than alright. I guess I’m just blessed to be in this situation. Willard Mitt Romney is a blessed, humble man, and you can take that to the bank.”

The event ended when Romney stepped off the stage, kissed his wife Ann hard and long on the lips and then yelled “Peace” at the top of his lungs. Political strategists have not yet analyzed how this will affect the outcome of the impending election, but most people think this could lose Mitt Romney at least a vote or two.

“It’s always been a very Ross and Rachel relationship between the two. I mean I’ve been watching them for years biting my nails from all the will they won’t they tension,” said Jenny Yates, senior, Kappa, bitch.

The two have been living with one another for their entire lives, so scientifically speaking, some canoodling was bound to start. Our sources say that the bears’ true feelings finally came unpinned at the closing of last semester’s Dia del Oso festivities. Being the party animals that they are, it is widely believed that the two drained a few six-packs each to enjoy the celebration. Sources report that after a long day of drinking, porning, and women’s tug, Lady made the first move. Without getting too graphic, we shall refer to all intimate relations between the two as ‘Winnie the Poohing’. With alcohol taking over the two bears, they finally revealed their true feelings, and a long and rigorous night of ‘Winnie the Poohing’ ensued.

Gross you two, get a room.

According to sources, the relationship remained secret for the rest of the semester and into the summer. While the two bears have neither confirmed nor denied the damning rumors, many report seeing large women hugging and holding hands near the ADPi house. The truth finally emerged this semester as the two had their first argument of their relationship.

During move-in day, the two began arguing over why Lady had not updated her Facebook status to “In a Relationship,” like Joy had done a whole four weeks ago. After a few groans, grunts, and sniffles, the two finally went public by updating their statuses. The Facebook community rang with stunned splendor as many Baylor students read on their newsfeeds: “Joy Reynolds is in a relationship with Sue ‘Lady’ Sloan.”

With official titles set, there was no denying that the two were together forever. Being reasonable with their beliefs and values, Baylor administration immediately began taking action to handle the situation. As it is written in the Holy Word of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, homosexuality is a disease that, while fatal, can be cured. Following this biblical fact, Chamber’s first line of defense has been to feed the two bears only Chick-Fil-A nuggets since the scandal went public.

“The only way to cure and heal them of this infliction is to pump them full of deep fried poultry. If anything can save them it’s an eight piece nugget meal with honey mustard since gays love honey dijon. I think, that’s like, their thing,” declared one bi-curious Chamber member.

Appalled at the audacity of the University’s crusade to break up the two, the Noble NoZe has decided to get an exclusive interview with Lady and Joy to see how they’re taking to the new diet and negative feelings towards the new lifestyle of the two. Upon beginning the interview we were immediately torn apart... by the sadness we saw in Lady’s eyes as she began to show her softer side and recall the horrible things people were saying about her newfound love. The most shocking was a single, tear filled sentence uttered by Lady as she denoted the hate mail they were receiving. “Roarrrr!!!!!!!!!!! RROOOOOAARRRR!!!!!!!!!! ROAR! Roar roar.”

After hearing that, we don’t understand how anyone could not support the love shared between the two. We at the Noble NoZe see Lady and Joy for what they truly are: two, smelly, overweight, poop machines that are deeply in love.

I’m normally not one for words, but the current situation in the brotherhood has forced me to begin writing again. Our critics and fans must remain updated on the highs, lows, and alcoholic preferences of the NoZe. I must also write to maintain my own sanity, as I am currently sitting on a running lawnmower while typing on my laptop. This is seriously dangerous. I think I need help.

Times have been rough. A prominent brother was recently exiled back to normal society, our Mousetrap game board is broken, and the Shekel Keeper’s dog has heartworms or something. (I actually don’t care too much about that dog. However, game night will be drastically altered if someone doesn’t fix the board soon.) While most Baylor students traverse on extravagant vacations and others take classes, the Brothers remain here at The NoZe Mansion: where stale beer flows like the Brazos, and where The Funny is as abundant and large as Mitt Romney’s bank account. It’s all of the vacation and education we’ll ever need.

As I was saying, summer boredom is beginning to overtake us. Playing in the BSB fountain is getting old, reading the Lariat is depressing, and going to TKE parties simply isn’t fun anymore. They used to be fun, but for some reason, they’ve lost their golden luster. Therefore, this note is a desperate plea. What should we do for fun?

We’re open to new hobbies. If you are interested in sash-sewing, Belgian carpentry, or even exotic bird watching, let us know. An instruction manual to build a finely-crafted banister would be perfect. Or actually, a veterinarian would be better…yes, definitely a veterinarian. Heartworms are no joking matter.

Despairingly,
Bro. Edgar Allen NoZe
Cunning Linguist

Looks good, even if you're missing your head.

Then grab yourself a 2012 DiaDelNoZo tank top, the tankiest of tanks! They'll be on sale at Dia, one for $10, two for $25. You can also grab them on our online store, just click the merch link above.

The cloth is woven from the finest of organic cottons, with interwoven 500 count Egyptian silk. The inks are 100% USDA approved, and will bleed in the laundry and stain the rest of your clothes.

In addition, 100% of the proceeds will go towards helping the NoZe Brotherhood cure their delirium tremens, or as we call it around the mansion: "The Deets."

Since its doors were opened in 1845, Baylor University has prided itself on standards deeply rooted in the Baptist tradition. This includes stances against drinking alcohol, dancing, and having an open mind on any issue of importance. However, in a stunning and tragic discovery, the campus police recently found bottles upon bottles of various alcoholic beverages hidden within the unlikeliest of places: the residence of Most Holy President Kenneth Starr; the long-standing Albritton House, within Fort Faculty on Guittard Avenue.

"I can assure you that I'm very happy in my new house at Carroll Science"

Baylor’s Finest were notified of the suspicion last week when some nosy neighbors around the area (Baylor administrators and professors) voiced concern after consistently noticing Starr holding a glass of wine every morning as he walked outside to get the morning paper. After Provost Elizabeth Davis finally saw it, she initially inquired on the issue by e-mailing the only administrator with enough authority to take action: herself. After a series of e-mails, phone calls, and tweets between Davis and herself, BUPD was finally notified. On the morning of April 19th, as Kenny performed his daily, alcohol-based ritual, Chief of Police Jim Doak immediately charged at the president, tackled him on the lawn, and cuffed him. Kenny’s only audible statement during the tussle was, “Hey, there’s a beverage here, man!”

When the cops unnecessarily and dramatically kicked the door down to enter his home, they were truly shocked by what they found. Two cases of Heineken were sitting in a refrigerator, as if it was no big deal. Multiple bottles of various alcohols were also lying around, including Hot Damn cinnamon whiskey. He also had an extensive wine collection in a separate room. Most sources report that this sinful amount of alcohol does not even compare to the average amount at an official NoZe party at the Mansion.

When taken in for questioning at the station, Starr used the usual, likely tactics. He first claimed that none of the alcohol belonged to him, but instead, to his wife, Alice. After this failure, he then said that he did not realize that his residence was considered “on campus.” Doak believed none of Starr’s nonsense and demanded a confession. It finally came upon threat of waterboarding and forcing him to pray a Catholic rosary.

“Okay, I’m guilty,” Kenny admitted. “It’s mine, all mine! Even the Cosmos! But please, go easy on me. Come on guys, it’s Dia.” This argument is oftentimes used by drunken frat bros, along with their counterpart sorostitutes. It almost always falls flat, but not as flat as the Keystone stashed under their mattresses. A pensive Doak only responded as he usually does on Dia: with an annoyed eye roll and inaudible mutterings. The source of these mutterings is a rather enflamed larynx, presumably from yelling at kittens so much while smoking assorted flavors of swishers.

After passing a couple of days in the local slammer, Kenny was released after posting a sufficient bail of all that was in his pocket: four paper clips, seven pieces of Juicy Fruit, a PocketBible (“Is that a Bible in your pocket, or do I just love God?; officially endorsed by Chapel Ryan), one of Robert Griffin III’s dreadlocks, and five thousand dollars in cash. Naturally, Doak was mainly interested in the PocketBible.

This incident has truly been a learning experience for the entire Baylor community. Rumor has it that Starr’s chief of staff, Karla Leeper, is now actively battling her alcoholism, and resident Chamberpot Marky Tooberslugger has commenced his Dr. Pepper-based rehabilitation program because of an incident in which he willfully drank a Coke while on campus. Both of these subjects have truly brought shame to Baylor Nation, but the Noble NoZe Brotherhood will keep a sharp eye on them. Meanwhile, President Starr and his family have been living on the ground level of Carroll Science while Albritton House remains a crime scene. Though the air conditioner is oftentimes on the fritz, the first family has recently become much more familiar with the eclectic works of Albert Camus.

“I’ve learned from this. My ways are truly changed,” Kenny said. He then proceeded to Le Scruffy du Murphy’s to meet Karla Leeper for Happy Hour..

As we all know, Baylor has announced its plans to begin construction on “Baylor Stadium,” along with accurate artistic interpretations of how the stadium and the surrounding area will look. While the actual design of the stadium and its “less than Floyd Casey” seat capacity went over well with the Baylor community, many have voiced concern about the strange river with blue water right where the Brazos River should be. Mass confusion has ensued, to say the least.

The sparkling blue waters of the Brazos river

“It just doesn’t look right,” stated Charlie Newman, a Baylor alumnus. “Look at the actual Brazos now. It doesn’t even look fit for baptizing. Baptists love baptizing.” He continued on to question why Baylor is trying to lie to outsiders about a crystal-clear river adjacent to campus. “Why is Baylor trying to make it look like Destin? Even Chi-O should be calling them out.”

After realizing their mistake, Baylor administrators began consulting the world’s top scientists from around the globe. However, all ideas fell short until some random guy with an opinion asked the damning question: “Why don’t you just dye the river?”

After another week of twiddling their thumbs, Baylor administration finally came up with the “Brazos Clarification Plan.” President Starr and other people who think very highly of themselves recently hosted a press conference to explain their strategy.

“The Brazos Clarification Plan consists of a three part process,” Starr announced. “The first step is to raise tuition again. Secondly, we’ll dump tons upon tons of blue dye upstream of the Mighty Brazos from the stadium every week. Finally, RGIII will see how great the stadium is and come back to me, I mean, Baylor, with open arms. I heard that he’s going to the NFL, but it doesn’t sound too official. I’ll be registering him for classes next semester.”

The plan was met with much controversy, not only from people who know facts, but also from the science community.

“The chemicals in the dye are incredibly toxic and will prove dangerous to anything that it touches,” stated Robert Fergus of the US Environmental Protection Agency, “but if Baylor wants to continue with this plan, so be it. It wouldn’t be the first time they screwed up.”

However, some locals are saying that the toxins will actually be an improvement to the Brazos. The water is already terrible, so any form of substance would make the water at least a little better. As of now, Baylor still plans on proceeding with the Brazos Clarification as planned. The amount of tuition increase has not been released, but most sources report that it will probably be “totally worth it.”

KSU Coach Frank Martin reacts to Bro. I Don't NoZe's predictions.

My bracket has Baylor taking the East, along with the repeating of the phrase "Deuce with a deuce" at an all time high. The team will be fired up and rolling over Kentucky after an "anonymous source" leaked an e-mail proclaiming that Anthony Davis planned to steal all of PJ3's Jolly Ranchers from the locker room and that Doron Lamb mocked the spelling of Quincy Acy's middle name.

Kansas St. will win the South after all the other teams forfeit, fearing that if they win, KSU Head Coach and Scariest Man Alive Frank Martin will kill them in their sleep. In the Midwest, St. Mary's will have another miracle simply because Jesus gets a big kick out of it. Michigan St. will dominate the West. They’ll become much more athletic after the car industry fails and bicycle transportation becomes the norm.

In the Final Four, Baylor will overtake Sparty, with Brady Heslip leading the way and a Canadian flag draped onto his back, (turns out he gave up hockey at age six after an incident we'd rather not mention). Coach Martin will explode leaving behind a mushroom cloud of angry confetti five minutes into their game against St. Mary’s, convincing the Wildcats to forfeit.  As a result, the Catholic Crusaders of St. Mary’s will take on the Baptist Barbers at Baylor. I think we all know how this one ends.