Tired of doing laundry?
Looks good, even if you're missing your head.
Then grab yourself a 2012 DiaDelNoZo tank top, the tankiest of tanks! They'll be on sale at Dia, one for $10, two for $25. You can also grab them on our online store, just click the merch link above.
The cloth is woven from the finest of organic cottons, with interwoven 500 count Egyptian silk. The inks are 100% USDA approved, and will bleed in the laundry and stain the rest of your clothes.
In addition, 100% of the proceeds will go towards helping the NoZe Brotherhood cure their delirium tremens, or as we call it around the mansion: "The Deets."
Alcohol Found on Campus
BUPD Raids Kenny's House
Since its doors were opened in 1845, Baylor University has prided itself on standards deeply rooted in the Baptist tradition. This includes stances against drinking alcohol, dancing, and having an open mind on any issue of importance. However, in a stunning and tragic discovery, the campus police recently found bottles upon bottles of various alcoholic beverages hidden within the unlikeliest of places: the residence of Most Holy President Kenneth Starr; the long-standing Albritton House, within Fort Faculty on Guittard Avenue.
"I can assure you that I'm very happy in my new house at Carroll Science"
Baylor’s Finest were notified of the suspicion last week when some nosy neighbors around the area (Baylor administrators and professors) voiced concern after consistently noticing Starr holding a glass of wine every morning as he walked outside to get the morning paper. After Provost Elizabeth Davis finally saw it, she initially inquired on the issue by e-mailing the only administrator with enough authority to take action: herself. After a series of e-mails, phone calls, and tweets between Davis and herself, BUPD was finally notified. On the morning of April 19th, as Kenny performed his daily, alcohol-based ritual, Chief of Police Jim Doak immediately charged at the president, tackled him on the lawn, and cuffed him. Kenny’s only audible statement during the tussle was, “Hey, there’s a beverage here, man!”
When the cops unnecessarily and dramatically kicked the door down to enter his home, they were truly shocked by what they found. Two cases of Heineken were sitting in a refrigerator, as if it was no big deal. Multiple bottles of various alcohols were also lying around, including Hot Damn cinnamon whiskey. He also had an extensive wine collection in a separate room. Most sources report that this sinful amount of alcohol does not even compare to the average amount at an official NoZe party at the Mansion.
When taken in for questioning at the station, Starr used the usual, likely tactics. He first claimed that none of the alcohol belonged to him, but instead, to his wife, Alice. After this failure, he then said that he did not realize that his residence was considered “on campus.” Doak believed none of Starr’s nonsense and demanded a confession. It finally came upon threat of waterboarding and forcing him to pray a Catholic rosary.
“Okay, I’m guilty,” Kenny admitted. “It’s mine, all mine! Even the Cosmos! But please, go easy on me. Come on guys, it’s Dia.” This argument is oftentimes used by drunken frat bros, along with their counterpart sorostitutes. It almost always falls flat, but not as flat as the Keystone stashed under their mattresses. A pensive Doak only responded as he usually does on Dia: with an annoyed eye roll and inaudible mutterings. The source of these mutterings is a rather enflamed larynx, presumably from yelling at kittens so much while smoking assorted flavors of swishers.
After passing a couple of days in the local slammer, Kenny was released after posting a sufficient bail of all that was in his pocket: four paper clips, seven pieces of Juicy Fruit, a PocketBible (“Is that a Bible in your pocket, or do I just love God?; officially endorsed by Chapel Ryan), one of Robert Griffin III’s dreadlocks, and five thousand dollars in cash. Naturally, Doak was mainly interested in the PocketBible.
This incident has truly been a learning experience for the entire Baylor community. Rumor has it that Starr’s chief of staff, Karla Leeper, is now actively battling her alcoholism, and resident Chamberpot Marky Tooberslugger has commenced his Dr. Pepper-based rehabilitation program because of an incident in which he willfully drank a Coke while on campus. Both of these subjects have truly brought shame to Baylor Nation, but the Noble NoZe Brotherhood will keep a sharp eye on them. Meanwhile, President Starr and his family have been living on the ground level of Carroll Science while Albritton House remains a crime scene. Though the air conditioner is oftentimes on the fritz, the first family has recently become much more familiar with the eclectic works of Albert Camus.
“I’ve learned from this. My ways are truly changed,” Kenny said. He then proceeded to Le Scruffy du Murphy’s to meet Karla Leeper for Happy Hour..
Baylor Tuition “Rises Up”
“Brazos Clarifying Plan” Totally Necessary
As we all know, Baylor has announced its plans to begin construction on “Baylor Stadium,” along with accurate artistic interpretations of how the stadium and the surrounding area will look. While the actual design of the stadium and its “less than Floyd Casey” seat capacity went over well with the Baylor community, many have voiced concern about the strange river with blue water right where the Brazos River should be. Mass confusion has ensued, to say the least.
The sparkling blue waters of the Brazos river
“It just doesn’t look right,” stated Charlie Newman, a Baylor alumnus. “Look at the actual Brazos now. It doesn’t even look fit for baptizing. Baptists love baptizing.” He continued on to question why Baylor is trying to lie to outsiders about a crystal-clear river adjacent to campus. “Why is Baylor trying to make it look like Destin? Even Chi-O should be calling them out.”
After realizing their mistake, Baylor administrators began consulting the world’s top scientists from around the globe. However, all ideas fell short until some random guy with an opinion asked the damning question: “Why don’t you just dye the river?”
After another week of twiddling their thumbs, Baylor administration finally came up with the “Brazos Clarification Plan.” President Starr and other people who think very highly of themselves recently hosted a press conference to explain their strategy.
“The Brazos Clarification Plan consists of a three part process,” Starr announced. “The first step is to raise tuition again. Secondly, we’ll dump tons upon tons of blue dye upstream of the Mighty Brazos from the stadium every week. Finally, RGIII will see how great the stadium is and come back to me, I mean, Baylor, with open arms. I heard that he’s going to the NFL, but it doesn’t sound too official. I’ll be registering him for classes next semester.”
The plan was met with much controversy, not only from people who know facts, but also from the science community.
“The chemicals in the dye are incredibly toxic and will prove dangerous to anything that it touches,” stated Robert Fergus of the US Environmental Protection Agency, “but if Baylor wants to continue with this plan, so be it. It wouldn’t be the first time they screwed up.”
However, some locals are saying that the toxins will actually be an improvement to the Brazos. The water is already terrible, so any form of substance would make the water at least a little better. As of now, Baylor still plans on proceeding with the Brazos Clarification as planned. The amount of tuition increase has not been released, but most sources report that it will probably be “totally worth it.”
Yes, “Bracketology” is a Word
Bro. I Don't NoZe But I've Been Told makes his picks
KSU Coach Frank Martin reacts to Bro. I Don't NoZe's predictions.
My bracket has Baylor taking the East, along with the repeating of the phrase "Deuce with a deuce" at an all time high. The team will be fired up and rolling over Kentucky after an "anonymous source" leaked an e-mail proclaiming that Anthony Davis planned to steal all of PJ3's Jolly Ranchers from the locker room and that Doron Lamb mocked the spelling of Quincy Acy's middle name.
Kansas St. will win the South after all the other teams forfeit, fearing that if they win, KSU Head Coach and Scariest Man Alive Frank Martin will kill them in their sleep. In the Midwest, St. Mary's will have another miracle simply because Jesus gets a big kick out of it. Michigan St. will dominate the West. They’ll become much more athletic after the car industry fails and bicycle transportation becomes the norm.
In the Final Four, Baylor will overtake Sparty, with Brady Heslip leading the way and a Canadian flag draped onto his back, (turns out he gave up hockey at age six after an incident we'd rather not mention). Coach Martin will explode leaving behind a mushroom cloud of angry confetti five minutes into their game against St. Mary’s, convincing the Wildcats to forfeit. As a result, the Catholic Crusaders of St. Mary’s will take on the Baptist Barbers at Baylor. I think we all know how this one ends.
Are you at the end of your rope?
"I can't wait to reverse SSH this onto YouTube!"
Then take a gander at this one!
Enjoy The Rope in pristine 1080p HDMI-infused flux box kernel glory! Torrent the .pdf around the multi-threaded firewall by reverse hash encrypting the protocol using Django scripts.
Or just click the cover image.
For the first time ever, The Rope is available on computer/iPad/fruit/Android/iPod/x86/Apple IIe/Commodore64/Atari/SNES. So there's no excuse to not downplode this onto your clouds.
Whatever you do after that though, do not attempt to read it.
Seriously.
Guys. Seriously.
Baylor Student Drinks Orange Juice After Brushing Teeth
New Level of Hell Discovered
Archived photo of L. Jenkins Tampico, the first unfortunate soul to experience this unbearable phenomenon.
On a seemingly normal Wednesday morning in his rather large Bandera Ranch apartment, junior Ryan LaMont significantly worsened his day after foolishly sipping on a fresh glass full of orange juice merely minutes after brushing his teeth.
“This has been a rough time for us all,” roommate Chad Williams told our reporter. “I’m actually pretty offended that you’re even in our apartment right now. Show some damn couth,” he added.
According to his morning routine, Ryan normally has a small breakfast at approximately 8:25 A.M. Central Standard Time, then drives to campus about twenty minutes later to make his 9:05 A.M. psychology class. However, young Ryan surprisingly arose at approximately 8:30 A.M. this past Wednesday, resulting in a rushed morning indeed.
He hurriedly put on some shorts and his latest crush t-shirt, brushed his teeth thoroughly, then remembered that he had not, in fact, had any nourishment whatsoever before his trying day of school, which some sources report included an economics exam at 12:20 P.M. His intense studying for said exam the previous night could have been the cause of his lateness; however, roommate Chad Williams angrily described this startling rumor as “ludicrous.”
The exact moment the orange juice concentrate graced his lips, Ryan recognized his blunder. The audacious clashing of minty aftertaste of Colgate Total with citrus splash of Tropicana resulted in a cantankerous grimace on his face, along with a raucous groan of discomfort. His roommates rushed over to the scene to find a distraught LaMont, standing alone in the kitchen. He awkwardly described what happened, grabbed his backpack, and walked out the door.
Ryan has declined all interviews and questions regarding the incident. His Facebook page and Twitter account have been filled with condolences and comments from not only his friends, but other supporters who sympathize with him. Baylor students are quickly raising awareness of the incident and how it can be prevented in the future.
Also, Baylor scientists are in the initial phases of researching why LaMont, and all others unfortunate enough to experience this phenomenon, expresses such disdain for the feeling. Roommate Chad Williams, once again, put in his two cents.
“I’m tired of all of this attention. You think it’s easy being me? It’s not,” he told our reporter. “Leave us alone. You guys aren’t even funny.”
Baylor Releases Stadium Models
Forgets Football Field
Administration unveiled new 3D models for a new football stadium a few months ago to resounding, community-wide approval. But despite the enormous fan shops, non-alcoholic beer stands, water slides, and rich-conservative-alumni-donation centers, both models appear to be missing a crucial component: the football field itself.
“I just want to thank the Baylor nation for all the support we’ve had. We think we’ve really come up with a great building here that will facilitate the kind of Christian community that represents the Baylor Line,” said a surprisingly calm President Starr. “It will also generate the kind of revenue any cool stadium with ridiculously-priced but well-marketed and strategically-placed concession stands should. And did I mention there are water slides?”
“The field takes care of itself. I’ll just put in a huge advertisement with all of the donation information to Baylor. And RGIII is coming back, right? It’ll be great.”
The architect who provided the models claims he was told to “draw something twice as expensive looking as the BSB, and to make it really, really, really cool.” When he inquired as to the estimated cost range he was to work within, the reply was stunning.
“We don’t actually have to build this thing, we just have to get really rich people to donate to it,” Provost Elizabeth Davis said. President Starr’s onslaught of donation requests to alumni, especially those firmly planted in the conservative, Baptist tradition seems to be the motivating force behind the plan. However, not everyone in the community is as excited about the plans. Baylor Marina employee Dan Rhycroft has been especially vocal.
“How are people supposed to enjoy their Saturday afternoon kayak when the beauty of Nature will be disturbed by this giant monument to materialism? Thoreau is turning in his grave right now,” he said. Even though local scientists have found that the Mighty Brazos is pointless and mainly smells like dead fish and poor people, it is not worth destroying in pursuit of expensive stadiums.
As more information flows in about new football stadium follies, stay updated with the NoZe.
Tenured Professor Marc Ellis Fired
up about March Madness
"Oh, I see what you guys did there!"
Dr. Marc Ellis, a recently terminated, tenured professor of history at Baylor, and former director of the Center for Jewish Studies, has officially announced that he has been fired up about the men’s and women’s basketball teams. He is specifically fired up about both teams’ chances in their respective NCAA tournaments this month.
However, most of the news surrounding Ellis has centered on his current clash with Baylor Unifarcity administrators, including Most Holy President Kenny Starr. Dr. Ellis’ recent, mysterious ousting from his job has caused quite a stir. According to an article published on religiousdispatches.org, “several faculty members with firsthand knowledge of the proceedings confirm that Ellis is being investigated for alleged sexual misconduct (or misuses of God’s gift, as the faculty handbook has it).” Ellis’ lawyer has defined these as “bogus allegations,” and many prominent scholars have suggested that said allegations from Baylor relate to Ellis’ Jewish faith and his rather liberal views of Israeli policy. A number of scholars defending Ellis have generated a petition on change.org, claiming that the entire situation “looks more and more like a persecution to silence a Jewish voice of dissent.”
The news of his excitement regarding the basketball teams has diverted much attention from the issue regarding his employment at Baylor. Both teams have had successful seasons thus far, and this public endorsement from Ellis will only motivate them more.
“I think it’s awesome that Marc Ellis has been fired up about us for awhile now,” said point guard Pierre Jackson, in an exclusive interview with the Noble NoZe Brotherhood. Brittany Griner agreed, chiming in that his “being fired up for apparently no reason has been a pleasant surprise. I’m surprised a story of this magnitude hasn’t been made more well-known around campus.” Baylor administrators were unavailable for comment on the issue.
Dr. Ellis arrived at Baylor in 1998, so it is truly no wonder that he is so fired up about the basketball programs. Throughout those fourteen years, the men’s team in particular, has struggled mightily, dealing with touchy issues such as corrupt coaches, a brutal murder, and NCAA violations coming out the wazoo. These were rough times indeed, but every university president throughout the years was protective of the program and virtuously defended it when necessary.
Now that both teams have lofty goals of Final Four appearances this March, President Kenny Starr has placed much of his focus on athletics and less of it on support of tenured professors. Past leaders have been more accepting of Ellis’ methods and creative
ideals, but Kenny has been so focused on the year-long mourning process of RGIII’s departure that he hasn’t had any time to think about any professor, including Dr. Ellis. Anyway, some students have been making their totally not-pointless opinions known as well through the Tweeter and the Facebooks.
“Ellis fired up about bball?!?!?! Me too!!! #BaylorProud #ILoveBrady,” freshman Ashley McDougal tweeted last week. She is extremely excited about the prospects of the teams in the NCAA tournament as well, provided she is able to contain her excitement in
her South Russell 316 dorm room. One particular Facebook status posted by Student Body President Zach Rogers resonated even louder than the sound of a half-hearted Sic ‘Em at the Ferrell Center.
“Dr. Ellis is fired up, and I, for one, am shocked. He has a very loud voice within the community, as well as great knowledge of the game. He will be a great fan, as long as he’s fired up,” Rogers posted. He has thousands (maybe even millions) of Facebook friends, so
pretty much everybody has read this absolutely vital piece of information.
As a result, Ellis’ firing up about Baylor basketball has truly rocked the Baylor community. While we all hope for a fair and suitable ending to the situation (national championships for both teams), we also hope that administration will show fairness and integrity to the teams by providing them with the proper resources, such as uniforms and Scott Drew’s motivational Bible verses.
This is not a Rope…
Ceci n'est pas une couverture corde
...it is an electronic representation of a physical tabloid paper whose name is a spoof of a certain university's school newspaper.
But you can call it a Rope if you'd like. Or, an award winning Rope (everyone loves awards). By hovering your cursor/finger over the tantalizing image to the right, you can access the deep recesses of the mentally disturbed NoZe Brotherhood with a single click, scroll, read.
If you're interested in venturing under the tunnels and joining the NoZe Brethren on our crusade through time, then be sure to peruse the UnRush/Paper Pickup announcement on the last page.
Finally, if you come up with any creative uses for the physical copies of the paper (which, also, is not a rope) other than lining the birdcages of the NoZe Mansion and wrapping presents, please leave a comment below, preferably in French.
RGIII Chooses NFL Career to Pay Off Student Debt
Quarterback Robert Griffin III, also known as Bro. HeismaNoZe Trophy, has officially decided to forgo his final year of eligibility and enter the NFL Draft. He has cited his reasoning as having to pay off student loans, as he is in debt up to his magical head from tuition.
"I wish you didn't have to leave, Robert"
Despite graduating with his bachelor’s degree earlier than expected, RGIII is still dreadfully lacking money in his bank account. Baylor tuition has increased over the past few years, and not even our Heisman-winning quarterback is in the clear.
“Honestly, I would’ve loved to have come back for my last year. I love Baylor, just not the tuition,” he told our reporter. Studies show that in order to pay Baylor its full tuition, he will have to pursue an NFL career lasting at least ten years, complete with five MVP awards and seven Super Bowl victories. He will need endorsements from Nike, Gatorade, and most importantly, Bud Light Lime, to cover his college expenses alone.
Since his time at Baylor, RGIII has eaten only Ramen and Frosted Flakes in order to save money. Somehow, he has been able to remain in peak physical condition. He has lived at Casa Royale for a few years, all while keeping a glimmering GPA.
Plano junior Ashley Yuppers, president of Pi Phi, made her opinion quite known on the issue. “This is ridiculous,” she said after taking another bite of caviar and drinking Jamaican coffee. “My daddykins pays for everything. I mean, my Bandera Ranch apartment and pink Ferrari won’t pay for themselves. I need to go study for my fashion design class.”
In fact, Robert Griffin III makes most people look quite bad. Thanks.